“An Interview with Emasculated King Kong” (humor) by Bob Rich
Rumor has it that King Kong has moved on from his days of rough-housing humanity to an entirely new, more civilized career. I recently caught an interview that was done between Emasculated King Kong and Entertainment Weekly magazine. Here is a memorable excerpt:
EW: So, Kong, are you concerned that your new image as being no longer fearsome, or, as some have actually put it, “emasculated,” might diminish your current fan base?
EKK: Actually, no, I’m looking forward to gaining a whole new fan base, one that will appreciate the more literate and refined side of my personality that has so seldom been appreciated.
EW: Is that right? What are some examples of this refined side of yours?
EKK: Well, despite my enormous size, my roar, and my historically-acknowledged tendency to crush semi-trucks under my thumb for a quick and expensive laugh, I actually enjoy sailing, hosting cooking shows (God, I love omelets), and oil painting.
EW: Really?
EKK: I find that sailing produces a tranquility within me that is only surpassed by my blissfully meditative hours spent practicing calligraphy.
EW: Since when have you been doing calligraphy?
EKK: Ever since I started writing theatrical reviews in calligraphy for publication on behalf of the Royal Shakespeare Company of London. You should read my review of Twelfth Night. Many enjoyed my review of Twelfth Night more than the actual performance of Twelfth Night.
EW: This is incredible. I feel a bit startled as I sit here discovering these remarkable gifts of yours. Who would have known —
EKK: Did you know that The Tempest is actually a metaphor for man’s relationship to the sea, with the sea having the tri-fold symbolism of memory, birth, and laughter?
EW: You’re giving me chills with these revelations. I think I need to lie down.
EKK: — but Shakespeare’s metaphors are nearly rivaled by those of Moliere, who used the theater as a metaphor for the opaque beauty of life itself.
EW: Can somebody hand me a cold compress and a pillow?
EKK: Did you know that John Keats wrote four volumes of poetry about pudding?
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