Emilie Autumn

I’ve spent my whole life telling everyone to leave me alone
Don’t touch, don’t look too close
But I didn’t mean you

And now you’ve gone
Because you saw the forbidden sign above my head
And you didn’t know,
I didn’t mean you

You went to an open door,
instead of knocking harder at mine
I would have let you in
But you didn’t know,
I didn’t mean you

You didn’t see that I cleared the path and left the walkway free
For I told myself that I’ll only be tread on by you
But now I look with love upon someone
And no one else matters but him
But still, you fool,
You think I didn’t mean you

What right have I?
You are not mine
Nor will you ever be
I need not try
To read your sign
You dont belong to me
I should not care
How you behave
What difference does it make?
Perhaps someday
You will grow brave
And from this sleep awake
But when you do
It will not then
Be caused by what I say
But by one who
Like other men
Holds you within her sway
And as I claim
No place within
The life you choose to live
Ill stay the same
As I have been
And all your faults forgive
Perhaps I own
The privileged place
For worry I need not
I may condone
Reprove with grace
And still remain unfraught
With jealousies
And petty cares
And all that love demands
So as you please
Ill save my prayers
And better use my hands
But why all this?
As I have said
It matters not to me
What right have I?
You are not mine
Nor will you ever be

I had you so close
And you didn’t even know
I cherished every turn of your voice
And thrilled when you laughed
And died at each offered word
Which meant you didn’t long to leave
And I tried not to seem
Too happy
You seem at home
In my darkness
And I love you
Because I know it isn’t easy
And you are so kind
Because you make me feel
Worthy of pinching

Ghost,
Did you know sometimes it frightens me
when you say my name and I can’t see you
will you ever learn to materialize before you speak
impetuous boy, if that’s what you really are
how many centuries since you’ve climbed a balcony
or do you do this every night with someone else
you tell me that you never leave
and I am almost afraid to believe it
why is it me you’ve chosen to follow
did you like the way I look when I am sleeping
was my hair more fun to tangle
are my dreams more entertaining
do you laugh when I’m complaining that I’m all alone
where were you when I searched the sea
for a friend to talk to me
in a year where will you be
is it enough for you to steal into my mind
filling up my page with music written in my hand
you know I’ll take the credit for I must have made you come to me somehow
but please try to close the curtains when you leave at night
or I’ll have to find someone to stay and warm me
will you always attend my midnight tea parties
as long as I set your place
if one day your sugar sits untouched
will you have gone forever
would you miss me in a thousand years
when you will dry another’s tears
but you say you’ll never leave me
and I wonder if you’ll have the decency
to pass through my wall to the next room
while I dress for dinner
but when I’m stuck in conversation
with stuffed shirts whose adoration
hurts my ears, where are you then
can’t you cut in when I dance with other men
it’s too late not to interfere with my life
you’ve already made me a most unsuitable wife
for any man who wants to be the first his bride has slept with
and you can’t just fly into people’s bedrooms
then expect them to calmly wave goodbye
you’ve changed the course of history
and didn’t even try
where are you now
standing behind me
taking my hand
come and remind me
who you are
have you traveled far
are you made of stardust too
are the angels after you
tell me what I am to do
but until then I’ll save your side of the bed
just come and sing me to sleep

Goodbye
And so I’ve said too much and not enough
And so the play is finally at an end
You never had the care to call my bluff,
and so I must be pleased to be your friend
But what then was the purpose of this game?
I never really had a chance to win
It’s true, I rather like who I became
But what am I to do with who I’ve been?
For I may wish to meet myself someday
among the ashes of a fire long dead
To see my shadow there and hear it say
that it was happy with the life it led
What emptiness awaits me? This I fear
Far more than any peril I might face
My purpose in this world became less clear
When you were taken from your cherished place
Within my wishing heart and went your way
So willingly it almost makes me ill
To think it never crossed your mind to stay
Pushes the dagger deep, completes the kill
And yet how much of this was done by me?
Had I the courage would you still have flown?
How sad to think this was not destiny
But my mistake, yet how could I have known?
Now here is my dilemma, as it seems
Do I accept the score that fate has set,
And calmly watch the passing of my dreams
Or do I dare to place another bet
That where the curtain falls another rises
If I am wrong then strike me for my sins
But I believe our acts and thin disguises
Were but a prologue to what now begins

If you could only know
The hurt I feel each time
I think of you, you might
Begin to understand
What makes a faerie cry
You couldn’t quite believe
The reasons I would give
If you asked to be told
The nature of my tears
And so I told you why
If you could only know
How many times each day
I picture in my mind
The look upon your face
When you begin to laugh
Or how your eyes look sad
The softness of your hair
The beauty of your soul
And whatever I am
You are the other half
I cannot comprehend
How I could recognize
The one I’ve waited for
The instant that we met
And have known since that day
While you are truly fond
And care I do believe
But would not take the chance
That alters suns and moons
And gave your heart away
If you could only know
How precious you’ve become
How all that I create
You still inspire so
You may begin to see
That I might be the one
For whom you were brought back
But if you never know
The chance will pass us by
And love will never be

– If You Could Only Know by Emilie Autumn

Bits of conversation fill my head
Tangling with words we haven’t said
Glimpses of a movement you once made
Knowing I could live but dream instead
Wondering if you saw the part I played
Whether I’m the reason that you stayed
Only half believing it could be
Well aware I want what I forbade
Questioning my own reality
Doubting in my mind the things I see
Altering perception fast as light
Do you know for years you’ve haunted me?
Speaking words you never could recite
Giving bliss as if to test my flight
All is but illusion, this I know
Yet more felt than objects in my sight
The world may see my skin but just below
Simmers what I think but never show
Lifetimes lived with you but more than this,
Guessing where in your sweet dreams you go
Do you drown in memory’s abyss?
Is there music in a voice you miss?
When you close your eyes do you relive
Each averted glance, aborted kiss?
Do you harbor what you should forgive?
Search for signs in every narrative?
Or repel all company save one,
Who is not cure but palliative?
While it’s possible these things you’ve done,
All too likely I’m the only one
And upon this thought my vision fled
So I end back where I had begun
Nothing but the present fills your head
Forgetting more than half the things I’ve said
Shadows of a sacrifice you made
Knowing you could dream but live instead.

A Letter from a Friend

Precious thing
I long for nothing more
Than to be your friend
But I am not good
As you are
For I think
Where I should feel
And I am not innocent
As you would think
For I try
To turn your head
And I never stop
And I see you happy
And I wish you well
But in my wish
Is my invitation
To a different dream
And I wonder
If I care for you at all
Not to leave you alone
Where you are
Content
And I long for nothing more
Than to be your friend
But if you accept my gift
You will ruin it
And I will not give you
What I promised
Because
I can’t
But I will always
Offer
And I will always
Deny it
Because I have a most convenient
Guise
Of friendship
Should you slip
I should slay you
Like all the others
And still I rain
And say walk my way
Because I adore
Where I have no right
But I ask you to become
Worse than you are
And neglect to mention
That I adore the part of you
That does not love me
For I long for nothing more
Than to be your friend
Yet I long for everything
Friends will never be
I think I may be
Cruel
But if I harm none I am only
Evil
And it hurts not to know if I am
Terrible
Or only
In love